LAD Website Shorts: Zombies 101

Zombies 101
by Steven Ormosi

“They’re not zombies, how many times do I have to tell you that?”

“Well then what are they, Val?”

“I have no idea, but they’re not zombies. Zombies are dead slaves of Voodoo priests and priestesses, dude. These things obviously don’t serve anyone, they just eat people. Also, zombies can’t turn others into zombies, only the living can create a zombie.”

Zip rolled his eyes, “Listen, I’ve watched like a hundred zombie flicks. These things are straight out of 28 Days Later.”

Val rubbed her temples, “How can I explain this to you any more clearly? Those were not zombies, these are not zombies. Romero stole the word and made it mean something completely different than was originally intended. Didn’t you ever see White Zombie?”

“No,” Zip admitted.

“I thought you were some big horror film fan. Well, it’s a movie from the 30’s. It’s about real zombies. The ones made from crazy rituals.”

“So…that still doesn’t answer my question. What are these things?”

“I don’t know, but they’re a lot closer to vampires than zombies. They feast on human flesh. They transform anyone they bite. The only difference is that they seem to be dumber than a bag of hammers and they don’t have the usual weaknesses. But those always seemed made up anyway. I mean, vamps are allergic to sunlight, garlic, can’t see themselves in mirrors? That’s retarded. It’s like someone said, ‘Damn, these things are way too badass, I’ve got to lame them up a little bit.’”

“Ok, so they’re basically unstoppable, dumb shit vampires. How does that help us get out of this hole?”

Val paused for a moment, then sighed, “It doesn’t at all. We’re fucked. We’re going to die down here. But at least you won’t die ignorant.”

“I’m not dying down here,” Zip said, crawling toward the exit, “Come on you vampire bastards! Let’s see what you got!”

Seconds later there was a scream and then a sickening snap. A trickle of blood seeped into the entrance and Val heard a low pitched gurgling. She shifted her body back as far as she could into the blackness as the thing approached. She tried to keep her breathing steady, but the fear and anticipation turned it quick and ragged. A tear rolled down her face as she braced for her next life.